Wait… You Mean Guys Don’t Want Us to Look at Their Bulges?

You know those now rather ubiquitous street trends for men: the thigh-grazing t-shirt and the baggy shorts-over-tights look? Didn’t you find it TERRIBLY chic when you first saw it emerge a few years ago? Didn’t you think that men – STRAIGHT MEN! – had suddenly woken up to a hankering for street style? That they had grown tired of their skinny jeans and flannel shirts and had suddenly started playing with proportion and layering and intersecting length possibilities? That the gym rats and skateboarders and messenger boys were all watching Ric Owens fashion shows on this iPhones and taking notes?

Well.

That’s not the case at ALL.

I was gassing on the other day about how much I love the look, when my friend said “You know they just do it so we can’t check out their bulges, right?”

WHAAAAAAAAAT?

“Yeah. The whole shorts-over-tights thing was because men were sick of us looking at their packages while they worked out. The whole trend is just a defense against bird-watching.”

You mean… men don’t like it when we stare and gawp and gape with open mouthed adoration? They don’t like it when we giggle and point out their peen prints to our girlfriends? THEY DON’T LIKE TO BE OBJECTIFIED?

That flies in the face of everything I thought I knew about men. I thought they LOVED their bulges? I thought they were their pride and joy?

I’m so confused.

And I can’t help feel like maybe I, and my fellow bloggers, contributed to the trend by making such a big deal about celebrity bulges. A few years ago men left their houses, brazenly wearing the tightest outfits, the most form-fitting looks. And what did they get for it? A virtual tongue bath from the gay press. It all came to a head (literally) with Jon Hamm and his now-legendary hammaconda. After that, I noticed fewer and fewer paparazzi pictures featuring bulges. Celebrities had taken note and were covering up. Of course there are holdouts (see: Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom), but for the most part, if you want to go birdwatching, you have to go look at actual birds. There is a concerted effort by men to make leering at them as difficult as possible.

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